Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
