Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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