i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He felt like a one man threesome
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize