I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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