I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
