I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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