I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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