if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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