Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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