foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
