normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just want nice things and good sex
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
