How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
