Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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