I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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