Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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