the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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