I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
