Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
