I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
