tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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