You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
