Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
