Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
