Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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