Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
