Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
