My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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