I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
