i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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