i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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