I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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