Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
worst night to have a conscience
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
