My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
