Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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