Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize