she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
