I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
