I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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