Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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