ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
