We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
