Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Your cock deserves a montage
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
