Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
