Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
