You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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