Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
