you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
