dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
