i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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