True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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