I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
if only i could text you this smell
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
