I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i think my tv is drunk
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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