He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
